


I dont know, I dont know, I dont know anymore

by broken_fannibal



Series: Supernatural/Shadowhunters crossover verse [1]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV), Supernatural
Genre: (its not explicitly there but you can tell he wasnt a good father), (mentioned) - Freeform, (only metioned), Abusive John Winchester, Autistic Dean Winchester, Bisexual Dean Winchester, Child Death, Crossover, Dean Winchester Needs Love, Dean Winchester Needs a Hug, Dean Winchester gets a hug, Depressed Dean Winchester, Depressed Magnus Bane, Depression, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt Dean Winchester, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Meltdown, Past Child Abuse, Self-Harm, Self-Harming Dean Winchester, uhh... if I forgot any tags please tell me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-08
Updated: 2018-09-08
Packaged: 2019-07-08 17:52:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,936
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15935369
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/broken_fannibal/pseuds/broken_fannibal
Summary: Dean, Sam and Cas had been working a case with Magnus, Alec and Izzy. It wasn't successful. This is the aftermath.Title from Take it out on me by Thousand Foot Krutchlittle disclaimer: I´ve never had a meltdown before so please go on easy on me. I´ve read a lot about it and can imagine what it´s like but I know its still not the same.





	I dont know, I dont know, I dont know anymore

 

They were in the library of the bunker and got a call from the hospital saying that the last of the children had passed away. They hadn't able to save him.

Dean's whole body was tense, his jaw clenched as the call ended. One of his hands was balled into a fist. The other still held the phone against his ear. The knuckles stood out white against his skin. His eyes were closed, his lower lip trembled. Then, seemingly out of nothing, he let out a raw scream and threw the phone across the room. He turned around and wiped the lamp off the table. And some books. He kicked a chair. Sent it skidding over the floor through the room. It hit a wall and toppled over. He picked up another chair. Threw it away from himself. He fell over with the force of it. Dean hit the ground with a heavy thud. Stayed there between two tables. He didn't move for a while. Still hunched over, he started crying and screaming. He hit his hands against his head.

Sam ran to him. He grabbed Dean's wrists, pinned them behind his back. Dean stared into nothing. Then he leaned forward and hit his head against the edge of the table again and again. Sam let go of his brothers' wrists and grabbed his shoulder to stop him. But Dean grunted and twisted out of his grip.

A gentle touch to his shoulder made Sam look up. It was Magnus. "We have to leave him alone for a while." he whispered. He gestured for Sam to follow him and be quiet.

Magnus set up a magic barrier. It kept any sound away from Dean and stopped him from reaching anything else in the room that he might hurt himself with.

Dean sat there, hands curled into fists. His fingernails dug into the skin. He started hitting his fists on the floor in a fast rhythm and rocked back and forth. Then he raised his hands pressed them against his head. Dean scratched over his scalp and neck. He dragged his nails over the inside of his wrist.

It hurt to see him like this but Magnus knew they had to wait it out.

Suddenly, Dean stopped. He reached down and pulled a small knife out of his boot.

Magnus panicked, he stepped in to stop Dean as he moved the blade towards his arm.

Magnus broke down the barrier with a quick movement of his hand. He gripped Dean's wrist tight. When he had the knife, he threw it away so Dean wouldn't be able to reach it.

Dean didn't look at him, didn't say anything. He couldn't. His jaw clenched again and he dug his nails into his palms.

Magnus let him. He let go of Dean's wrists and regarded him for a while. He slowly reached out and healed the swelling on Dean's forehead. Dean unclenched his jaw and opened his mouth just to immediately bite down again. Dean was biting his tongue, hard.

Magnus´ hand hovered over Dean's forearm, he cast a pain spell.

Dean's jaw relaxed and he closed his eyes with a low groan.

When Magnus saw him tense, he stopped. He waited a minute and when Dean didn't do anything, he pulled him up and led him to a couch. Magnus lay down on it and pulled Dean on top of him.

Dean didn't resist.

Magnus waited patiently, caressing Dean's back with his face buried in his hair.

Dean just lay there, motionless and quiet.

After a long time, he raised his arms and tightly wrapped them around Magnus body.

Magnus tightened his hold around Dean in turn. It earned him a soft sigh. He took this as a sign Dean was calming down. He pulled Dean even closer and whispered: "You're okay, Dean. I've got you."

After that Magnus didn't know how many minutes passed, it might have been 10 or 15.

But it was then that Dean whispered a rough and broken "Thanks" into the crook of his neck.

Magnus smiled and reached up with one hand to caress the back of Dean's head. He carded his fingers through the longer hair on the top of his head, gently dragging his fingernails over the scalp. He knew the feeling calmed Dean.

Several more minutes later Dean shifted and pulled his arms out from under Magnus body. He pushed himself up and sat down on the couch. Magnus sat up as well. He took one of Dean's hands in his own, squeezing it in reassurance.

Dean's lower lip trembled and he bit it as a soft whine escaped his throat. He looked up, blinked, but that didn't stop tears from running down his cheeks again.

Magnus pulled him close again, he knew from experience that Dean wasn't ready for words yet, neither for speaking himself nor hearing them from others. So he just pulled Dean against his chest and caressed his back.

Dean's shoulders started shaking, he couldn't hold the sobs in anymore. He rested there, limp in Magnus' arms as sobs rocked through him.

After several long minutes, Dean stopped trembling.

"Shower?" Magnus whispered against his temple.

Dean swallowed and nodded. He leaned back, eyes closed. With a deep breath, he got up.

Magnus watched him go.

They all did.

When he was sure Dean was out of earshot Sam asked: "What was that?"

"A meltdown." Magnus began to explain. "He got overwhelmed. The regret and pain of not being able to save the children. Generally, it has been very stressful for him lately. It all got too much."

"Why did he hurt himself like that?" Sam wanted to know, worry in his voice.

"I think it is his way of grounding himself. He's always been prone to self-harm. The pain gives him clarity, helps him block out other feelings that overwhelm him."

Sam swallowed hard. "I don't understand."

Magnus sighed, then he fixed his eyes on Sam. "You don't need to understand. Know and accept it. And don't push him or ignore what he needs when he's getting too close again."

"What does he need?" Sam asked quietly.

"Quiet. And he needs to be alone. Or at least think that he is. It is wise to keep an eye on him. Just look at today, he was going to cut himself."

Sam nodded, his voice was thick with emotion. "Okay."

"I think this happened as well one time you died." Cas looked over at Sam. "When he begged me to bring you back there were bruises on his face and knuckles. He kept his shirt sleeves down even though it was warm. And the motel room was a mess. Now I understand why." he mumbled.

Magnus nodded.

They stood in silence for a while. Processing the information.

Magnus rounded the couch to search for Dean's knife and phone. The screen was cracked but it still worked. He cast a spell to put everything in its place again.

They sat down at one of the tables and waited for Dean.

Not too long after he came back.

Magnus stood. "Feeling a little better?" he asked softly.

Dean scoffed and shrugged. "Yeah." his voice was a quiet rasp.

Magnus slowly reached out to touch his arm. He caressed it with a thumb. "How about something to eat?" He spoke slowly.

Dean nodded, still not looking up.

"To the kitchen then."

They turned and started walking.

Behind them, Sam got up as well, but Cas stopped him.

"I think Dean still needs quiet. We should wait." Cas explained.

Sam sighed and sat down again, his expression pained. "I just want to be there, you know?"

"I know. So do I. But I don't think now is a good time. He still barely talks after all." Cas sighed and stared at the door they had disappeared through.

 

Dean ate two sandwiches.

"Thank you." he said when he was done.

Magnus smiled at him.

"For everything."

Magnus smile widened. "You're welcome."

"I should tell Sam and" Dean paused, he couldn't say that many words in one go yet. "Cas what happened." He sighed.

"I already did." Magnus said softly.

"Oh." Dean looked at him with raised eyebrows. Then he yawned.

Magnus chuckled. "I figured you'd be too tired to explain."

Dean nodded. " 'm gonna go sleep." He paused, wanting to say more but not having the energy to do so.

Magnus waited patiently.

A minute later Dean continued. "Tomorrow." He frowned in concentration. "Will you be here?"

Magnus smiled. "Yes."

Dean nodded. " 'kay." With that, he turned and left.

Magnus cleaned up in the kitchen before he got back to the library.

They all looked at him expectantly when he arrived.

"Where is Dean?" Cas asked, a hint of worry in his voice.

"He's tired, he went to sleep."

"Oh." Cas said.

"Is he gonna be alright?" Sam asked.

Magnus sighed. "More or less. It will get better."

Sam nodded. After a long pause, he admitted: "I've known him all my life but I've never seen... that before. I never knew."

Magnus frowned, sadness tinged his expression. "He has always been good at hiding things he didn't want other people to know."

"But I'm his brother!" Sam's voice cracked, tears welled up in his eyes.

"He keeps a lot to himself, deals with everything on his own, it's what he does. I'm not saying it's good or healthy. It's not. But... from early on he's always been on his own, no one there who truly supported him, who cared enough. Your father certainly didn't. And something like that, it leaves a mark."

Sam nodded, fighting tears. "Tomorrow I'll tell him he can always talk to me no matter what it is."

Magnus nodded. "I'm sure he'll appreciate it."

"It makes me wonder what else we don't know about Dean." Cas mused.

Magnus frowned, then he realised that Cas wasn't trying to make him tell them anything. He was just concerned.

"I don´t know if he would tell you much or anything if you asked." Magnus said. "Don't take it personally. It takes a long time for him to open up to someone, even just a little. He also needs to know he would be accepted and understood."

Cas nodded. Then he looked up at Sam. "We need to let him know that."

Sam nodded as well, sniffling, a single tear ran down his cheek.

 

At night, after Sam had shown them to their guest rooms Magnus thought about Dean. What did his brother and his friend know about him? Did they know he was bisexual? Did they know he was autistic? Did they know he had depression? How much did Dean keep to himself? It felt strange to know that he knew more than Dean's own brother.

"Hey." Alec tore him from his thoughts. "What are you thinking about?" he asked softly.

Magnus sighed. "Dean."

Alec mocked a shocked gasp. "No! Thinking about another man while you're in bed with me? I'm disappointed!"

It brought a smile to Magnus' face. He laughed and wrapped an arm around Alec. "I'm sorry, dear."

Alec smiled back and pulled his boyfriend closer. He leaned down for a soft kiss. "Do you want to talk about today?"

Magnus sighed. "I don't want to burden you."

"You're not."

Magnus nodded. "I wondered what Dean hides from them. From his brother and his friend. They seem to know nothing about the problems he has. Or very little at least."

Alec hummed, he started caressing Magnus back.

After several minutes Alec asked: "Are you hiding anything? From me?"

Magnus sighed. "Not actively. Most things at least. I don't hide them, but I don't name them either."

Alec nodded. "Can I ask what?" When Magnus remained silent, he continued: "You don't have to. I don't- I-" he stopped.

"It's okay, I understand." Magnus finally said. He hesitated. "I..." he sighed, then he propped himself up on one elbow to see Alec's face. "I have depression."

"Oh." Alec's frowned. He reached out to caress Magnus' arm. "Is it bad?" he asked carefully. He wasn't sure what questions were appropriate to ask.

Magnus smiled softly. "Not at the moment."

Alec nodded. "Tell me when it is, okay? I'll be there."

Magnus smile widened. He leaned down and kissed Alec. "Thank you." After a short pause, he added: "But I can't promise I will reach out to you. It's... difficult."

"What should I do then? Or how do I know when it's bad?"

"I retreat. I close myself off, pull away. I can seem cold, like I don't care. I busy myself with work. Distraction, mostly." Magnus explained.

"Like when you lost your job as the High Warlock of Brooklyn?" Alec asked.

Magnus' eyes widened in surprise. "Yes."

"Catarina knew what to do back then." Alec added.

Magnus nodded. "If you can't reach me, you can call Cat."

"Okay." Alec whispered.

Magnus looked into his eyes for a while. "Thank you."

Alec frowned. "I didn't do anything."

Magnus chuckled. "Yes, you did. You listened. You care."

"Because I love you." Alec said simply.

Magnus stared down at him, eyebrows raised. Then he looked away and dropped down, curling around Alec's side.

Alec wrapped his arms around his boyfriend again and pulled him close.

They drifted off to sleep like that.

 

The next day, Dean was quiet, movements slow and small. In the kitchen, he kept his eyes down as he got his coffee and sat down.

Sam watched him for a while. Then he went to get a bowl, a spoon, the cereal and milk and quietly set them down in front of his brother.

Dean chuckled. "Thanks." He got the cereal and poured the milk.

Sam sat down next to him and drank his own coffee.

Cas stood leaned against the counter, a quiet presence.

After while Dean looked up and gestured at Sam. "You wanna talk. Go ahead."

Sam cleared his throat. "Uh, yeah. Um... Magnus explained what happened yesterday. And why it happened."

Dean narrowed his eyes at that. He wondered how much Magnus had told them.

Sam continued: "We, me and Cas, we just want you to know that... we're- we're here, you know. Whatever it is, you can talk to us."

Dean nodded and swallowed. He looked at Cas, then at his brother. "Thank you." His chest tightened. He finished his bowl of cereal, then went for a refill.

They were quiet again for a while.

Magnus and Alec came in, Magnus smiled when he saw Dean. He went over to him and gently caressed his shoulders. He squeezed and slid his fingers into the hair at the back of Dean's head.

Dean hummed and closed his eyes.

"How did you sleep?" Magnus asked.

Dean shrugged. "Like a corpse. Didn't wake up once."

"That's good." Magnus had been worried Dean might have had nightmares.

"How 'bout you?" Dean turned and looked up at him.

"Excellent. The bed was very comfortable." Magnus took the cup of coffee Alec handed him and took a sip.

They sat down as well and ate breakfast.

A while later Izzy arrived.

 

When they got ready to leave, Magnus asked: "Do you still need me?"

Dean frowned, confused.

"I mean here, right now." Magnus explained.

"Oh." Dean shook his head. "Don't think so."

Magnus smiled. "Call me if you ever do."

Dean nodded. "Okay."

They hugged. Magnus' hands lingered a little longer than necessary but Dean didn't mind at all. He revelled in the gentle touch, dreaded the loss.

Then, Magnus, Alec and Izzy left.

Dean stared at the spot where the portal had closed. His shoulders slumped.

Sam and Cas saw it, they looked at each other for a while.

“Dean you're not alone.” Sam said.

Dean turned around, looked from one to the other. He realised that, yes, he wasn't alone. They didn't understand him but they cared. It was a start. He nodded.

“Do you want a hug?” Cas asked.

Dean looked at him with raised eyebrows. then he gave a small hesitant nod.

Cas smiled and wrapped his arms around Dean.

Dean hugged him back. He closed his eyes and revelled in the warmth and pressure.

Sam heard a quiet sigh escape Dean. He couldn't believe his eyes. That his brother enjoyed a hug so much. It was strange. But then again, there were probably many sides of his brother that he didn't know.

He grinned and came closer to join the hug. He wrapped his arms around both of them.

Dean made a soft sound but didn't protest.

They stayed like that for a long time.

Cas could feel Dean relax, his breathing slowed. Then he went limp all of a sudden.

“Dean?” Sam called out, panic exploding in his chest. He caught his brother.

Cas held his hand to the side of Dean's neck. “He passed out.” He looked up at Sam, the same worry in his features.

"Maybe cause he was still tired?" Sam guessed.

Cas nodded. "Could be."

They put him in his bedroom.

"I will stay with him." Cas announced.

"Okay." Sam paused in the doorway. "Tell me when he wakes up."

"I will." Cas tucked Dean in and then sat down on the chair in the corner. He watched Dean.

Sleeping, Dean looked calm and peaceful, no sign of the stress of the last few days. Cas sighed.

He wanted Dean to be okay, wanted him to be happy. But in this world, with what he did, it seemed impossible. Dean rolled onto his side and curled up a little.

Cas stood and carried the chair closer to Dean. He sat down right beside the bed. He looked at Dean again. His face was relaxed, mouth slightly open, his hands were curled in the blanket he held close to his chest.

Cas closed his eyes and listened to Dean's breathing, it was soft, slow and regular.

He didn´t how much time had passed, it was difficult to tell. He didn't count the seconds or minutes, just listened to Dean's breath and let it soothe him.

A long while later Dean shifted again, turned onto his back, his arms folded over his stomach. Cas opened his eyes and watched him again.

Dean's face twitched, his hands did too. He was waking up. He opened his eyes, blinked and sat up with a frown on his face.

"at hap-" he cleared his throat. "What happened? Cas, why am I in my room again?"

"You passed out after the others left. Sam carried you here." Cas explained.

Dean looked at him with raised eyebrows. "Oh."

"On that note, I should tell Sam you woke up." Cas took his phone from his pocket.

Dean pushed the blanket back and got up. He swayed and Cas immediately stood to steady him.

He tensed at Cas sudden touch.

Cas slowly let go of him.

Dean nodded. "Thanks."

Cas simply smiled. After a while, he asked "What will you do today?"

Dean frowned. "What time is it?"

"Just past 2 pm." Cas answered.

Dean shrugged. "I don't know. Not much. For now, I'll eat something."

Cas nodded.

"Why? Do you have plans?" He asked carefully, he didn't want any unwanted surprise.

"No." Cas shook his head. "I was just... curious."

"Okay." With that Dean got on his way to the kitchen.

Cas watched him go, then he followed.

When they arrived in the kitchen, Sam just refilled his cup of coffee.

He smiled when he saw Dean with his sleep-mussed hair. "You want coffee?"

"Nah, not right now." He went to the fridge and got everything he'd need for a sandwich. Cas made him a glass of water instead and set it down in Dean's reach.

Then he moved to lean against the counter again. "Sam, do you have a case at the moment?"

"No." Sam shook his head. "I'm going through an old spell book right now. Just looking if I can find anything useful."

"Ah." Cas nodded.

 

Dean put his plate in the sink when he was done eating and refilled his glass. He sat down again and ruffled through his hair with a hand.

Sam watched him. "Dean?"

"Yeah?" He half turned around.

"I noticed that you do that- uh, like going through your hair- a lot. Magnus did that too this morning.."

Dean turned around all the way and frowned at him. "And?"

"Why do you do that?" Sam asked.

"Calms me I guess." Dean answered.

Sam nodded. "Okay." He hesitated. "I have one more question. Can I ask now?"

Dean sighed, took another sip of his water, then he nodded. "Shoot."

Sam sat down across from his brother. "Magnus explained that what happened yesterday was a meltdown."

"Yeah, it was." Dean said.

"He said why it happened and what we can do when it happens. I did some research and..." he paused. "The word meltdown always comes up together with autism. Are you autistic?"

Dean nodded. "Yeah." he mumbled, not looking at his brother or Cas.

"Oh." Sams' eyebrows rose. "I- Dean, it doesn't change anything. If that's what you´re worried about."

Dean exhaled and closed his eyes for a few seconds. "Thanks."

Sam chuckled.

Dean looked up for a short moment and a small smile played over his face in response.

Sam nodded, refilled his coffee again and then left again for the library.

Cas stood leaned against the counter for a while longer, then he sat down next to Dean and said: "I know nothing about autism."

"You don't need to. I don't expect that. Just treat me like you did before." Dean didn't want them to treat him like he was fragile now that they knew.

"But seeing you so hurt yesterday made me wish I knew how to help. I understand that when you have a meltdown its best to leave you alone. But there has to be something to prevent that from happening in the first place."

Dean chuckled dryly. "That's not possible. Not with this job. It's bound to happen from time to time."

"I don't think so." Cas didn't budge. "There has to be something. If you need to talk, me and Sam, we´re there."

Dean nodded. "And I appreciate it. But talking doesn´t-"

Cas raised his hand. "Then whatever it is you need, tell us. If you need a break or anything, say it."

Dean looked over at him, nodded. "Thanks." his voice was rough. He hadn't expected Cas to care so much.

Cas smiled softly and reached out to touch Dean's shoulder. He stopped a few inches from his skin. He was about to pull back when Dean leaned into his hand.

His palm awkwardly bumped against Dean's bicep at first. Then he curled his fingers around his shoulder and caressed it.

Dean sighed and relaxed a little. His eyes drifted shut for a few seconds. Then they snapped open again and he reached for his glass to take another sip.

That night in bed Dean thought about the day's events.

He had told Sam and Cas he was autistic. They both accepted him. And they didn't treat him too differently. To be honest, he'd expected it to be so much worse.

And Sam even did research. He smiled softly. He briefly wondered how they would react if he told them about his other issues. Cas would probably be all like “we can always talk. I'm here.” even though he didn't understand. Sam would try to understand. Whether he´d succeed was another story.

With these thoughts, he drifted off to sleep.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! If you enjoyed this please consider leaving kudos and comments! <3


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